Help
Sign In
apologies
December 2009 
so sorry
Posted on Jan 24th, 2009
by 
Janet
Janet
The word “sorry” gets used often, with various meanings or applications. Everything from accidentally bumping a stranger or spilling something, to not quite understanding a remark or empathy for another’s misfortune. Then there is The Apology.
Apologies have been on my mind recently. I’m trying to understand what their significance is, what it means to offer my words of remorse to the Universe in sincerity. It was suggested to me that we use apologies to make ourselves feel better. At first this seemed off the mark. But it occurs to me that an apology is in essence, like other things such as forgiveness and gratitude. I may think it’s about the other person, but really it’s about me. So while an apology is about relationship, it’s not so much about the one with the person to whom I’m apologizing, but about my relationship to the Universe. It’s a statement of my intentions about who I am, and how I want to live my life.
What then, when I start trying to put conditions on an apology? Yes, I can see I was wrong...but I don’t want to say sorry unless you do too. In doing so, I place an anchor around the idea of the apology which prevents it from floating free. If an apology is sincere, why would it need one in return, regardless of shared responsibility?
Here is another opportunity to be self-referred and not dependent upon another’s reaction to what I do.
Words have weight, and giving them voice, with a witness, is more than an expression of caring about the person to whom I speak them, they carry intention out to the Universe. How does an apology help me stay aligned with my goals? Maybe it is simply a way of making a course correction. Of saying, oops! this is not the direction I would like to go, and I’m recommitting to my original heading. There is a lightness that accompanies such a communication with the Divine. Sharing this with another person is a way of seeing the Divine in them.
Brenda Lee-I'm Sorry (SuperSound)
Access: Public
I find that a sincere expression of apology does not even require ‘lyrics’ like I call them. So many people have mastered the word thing, even the expression combined with word thing, but are insincere with the meaning.
In my opinion, the meaning is that you recognise the mistake and deeply sense the need to act towards a different outcome in future. The intention adjusts and the actions that follow do also.
And so, maybe the word ‘Sorry’ does not have to be said, but lived?
Just a [very subjective] thought!
Loving ya,
Sherri
Thanks Sherri~ I think you’ve hit on something. The words are not that valuable unless they are followed by changed actions. Recalling here, a master of apology who never changed a thing….over and over. It must be lived. hugs to you!
for me on this i think the amends part is what matters most
amends to self to affirm learning and a shift to a ‘better’ way, accountability
amends to another may help them also to release anger and resentment, triggering it’s own personal amends
I’ve also noticed that sometimes the ego dictates what sort of amends will be offered rather than what would be best, so in effect a person might end up having to amend the amend :D
If this is viewed as a list in order to achieve some sort of inner gauge of my behavior is FINE now, what good then does it do? Daily monitoring thru all levels of human consciousness can seem like such a giant task, but is it really?
sometimes the ego dictates what sort of amends will be offered rather
than what would be best, so in effect a person might end up having to
amend the amend :D
Yes!the pesky ego will have it’s way at times for sure:-) We just have to keep paying attention all the time.
Is this your way of apologizing to me?
I’d rather fess up face to face;-)
Great blog Janet,
I think I can allign effortlessly to most of what you are saying:
It’s a statement of my intentions about who I am, and how I want to live my life.
Sharing this with another person is a way of seeing the Divine in them.
I also feel that at times it is important for the other person to be acknowledged by us and I found that often it is also an opening to a better communication. It can be an avenue to really listen to each other and understand where we are both coming from. Many times discomfort about each other is also because we’re not really seeing or listening but are being preoccupied with our own picture of a situation.
And yes, then of course there are also those times when words aren’t necessary and actions speak louder.
Thanks.
Lucienne~ I absolutely agree. Actions speak louder than words, and sometimes the words are important too. The better communication of which you speak is so valuable in any relationship with other humans.
Thanks for stopping by:-)
Step 8 and step 9. Now would someone please do the Numerology on those.
Serendipity. These things move in strange ways don’t you think, Tom?
9 & 8 =17 =8 Eight is often about pattern, so I take this to mean creation of a new pattern of behavior.
I’m always out of step…I wouldn’t know.
Could be like a eight ball :-) or perhaps not.
So sorry…to be arriving here so late—LOL—just kidding!
Great blog! I like the idea of “course correction”; it makes a lot of sense, especially if the “I’m sorry” occurs during the course vs. much later, when it loses impact (although it can still be important/useful). I like what Sherri said, too, re: recognizing the mistake and changing one’s intentions and actions after the moment of the apology. Otherwise, it doesn’t seem to serve much of a purpose. I also like to see some empathy behind the apology; it is then that much more real/meaningful.
Also loved what Sherrilene wrote waaaaaay back in this party, yes… I am fashionably late. ;) Anyway, this jumped out at me,
“And so, maybe the word ‘Sorry’ does not have to be said, but lived?”
To expand, perhaps what the universe really understands comes down to the vibration of sorry. For it is all frequency that is the common denominator. Wonderful blog and Wow to the comments.
Di - feeling the vibes with you:-)
Lisa - it’s never too late to stop by my blog, but I would agree that there is a window of opportunity for apologies, beyond which, they are useful only to self.
Larry & Tom~ so happy to have the space graced your timing. You’re stepping just fine:-)
This really got me thinking, J. All those fights where someone says, “I’m sorry, but you have to be sorry too.” What’s next? “I love you… but only if you love me?”
Thanks for posting this insightful piece of writing. *hugs*
Rach~ It’s a good exercise to keep noticing where we’re conditional, isn’t it?
maybe this is an aside
but aren’t personal boundaries of acceptable behaviors coming from us and to us healthy to assert and expect in return or we move on?
Absolutely! To me, that’s about knowing my own bottom line. Of course my own bottom line applies to me and my own behaviors as well.
Oh, this is so timely. I think I will let my son read this - LOL! To live ‘sorry’ rather than just say it - tough on kids, like me!
Thanks Mila~ I grew up in house where sincere apology was not modeled to me. I had to learn it myself by practicing with my own kids. It’s a great skill for them to learn young.
I find this quite a challenge with my soon to be 12-year old! He’s great at saying sorry but still groping on meaning it! But at times, his parents are the same, so not good models for him really - heh, heh! Thank goodness we’re also still ‘young and learning’ - LOL!
I feel like I learned so much about apologies, and acknowledgment of my shit, from my son during his teenage years. We would get into these huge power struggles and often as now, he was the one who would first raise his hand, and say “hey, look what we’re doing- let’s stop- I’m sorry that I did/said XYZ” I was so humbled to learn this from him.
The changed substance part, is a whole other part of the equation and is related to being accountable for our actions. Words can be profound, if they are not hollow. With kids, I think helping them understand that “I”m sorry” should only be uttered when it is simply the leading edge of a true intention to change behavior. What is the 1% I can really have remorse for? to the point that I will do something differently?
Good stuff Mila. I know we’re all still learning everyday. I’m sure you are a wonderful example.
oh oh, not feeling so well, just awake trying to shove in dinner to go back to bed…read the last post i made elsewhere to you janet, realized it did not communicate what i think i attempted to say…the amend to the post shall have to wait till the morning…i promise i did NOT call you ignorant oie smacks self in head stumbles back to the bed
Elisa!!! I may BE ignorant, because I don’t know what you’re talking about, girlie:-)
Let me know about the amend tomorrow.
This is deep,
I’m trying to understand what their significance is, what it means to offer my words of remorse to the Universe in sincerity.
Really like this,
It’s a statement of my intentions about who I am, and how I want to live my life.
We can die a little bit every day, and it is not out of a state of pity or sinking regret but a real true sincere kind notion of respect for other peoples space to be free. If we cut through someones soul cloth in an intent that was loving and it was taken the wrong way an amend is in order to help unify to the situation.
Janet, you offer so much to the Universe for exploring this. Deep bows to you…
Hey Jordan~
That’s it - if we do something that harms, but we didn’t intend to do so, an apology should be a simple thing. It’s interesting that our ego’s can get in the way of it so often. If I accidentally tear your “soul cloth”, I definitely want to help sew it up.
I’ve been thinking about the power in a real, heartfelt apology. Oddly enough, though I’d been carrying this apology around for 20 years, when I finally had the opportunity to deliver it, it was really clumsy.
I think one of the things that’s important about an apology is that it can release in some ways both parties from a negative event. I can’t believe how much better I feel. The wrongs I’d committed and feeling the pain of having hurt someone I loved made me a better person, the apology I carried around was a constant reminder to be kind.
I just joined Gaia and I’m already inspired. Thank you for the post and the comments - good things to think with.
Cheers,
Cristina
Hi Christina~
Welcome to Gaia. Have fun getting to know the place:-)
Thanks for sharing your story. I have experienced the weight of holding back the apology too. What a relief it must have been after 20 years.
Thank you Janet. It was a huge relief. I forgot to say also, that even if you didn’t do something intentionally, it’s still nice to apologize. Thank you for the welcome!